Mourning

Bismillah.

Today is one of those days when I do not feel like writing anything. Words I have to listen to sometimes ruin my inner peace. Now all I want is silence to reign my soul.

Silence heals when words wound. Today is one of those days when I welcome silence with an open heart.

Let me vanish in a remote corner, away from prying eyes. I have been hurt. I feel miserable. I don’t know how to express or suppress it.

I want silent tears to wet me from top to bottom. Let me bathe in repentance and emerge as fresh as a new bud. I feel old. I feel weary. I feel like I do not belong. Anywhere.

What am I doing here? Is my place not up there in heaven? Don’t I want a house near The Lord in heaven? Time flies when I am burdened with chores. But time comes to a standstill when I long to meet The Lord.

I am perplexed. Broken. Anxious. Sad. Lost. Clueless. Yet I am not hopeless. Whatever is on Earth and in heavens is under the control of The Lord. And He is looking at me right now. At this very moment.

I need a break from writing today. No more trying to write 500 words today. Today I will relax.Today I will regain what is lost. Today I will mourn. And cry. And let my heart be torn apart into a million pieces like so many times before.

Just ask Allah

Bismillah.

If we always got what we wanted and whenever we wanted, we would have been spoiled. There is an unmatched thrill in waiting for something, in waiting for something eagerly, hoping that you will get it but you do not even know whether you will get it or not!

Such is our life. Unpredictable and full of possibilities.

As a Muslim, it is mandatory to always be hopeful. Is there anything Allah cannot do? Yes, there are times, when I badly want something and see no way of getting it. Moreover, however I try to get it, a roadblock appears out of nowhere. Being optimistic in those times is sometimes not that easy.

We have grown used to instant gratification. When repeated attempts yield no positive result, we tend to give up hope.

Yet, there is no reason to give up hope. Allah works in His own time. Whenever we supplicate, Allah either grants it in this life or wards off a harm that could afflict us or wishes to grant us something in the next life. How awesome! In no way are we ever deprived!

Yes, sure, sometimes we are like little children. We have to have a particular thing  right here and right now. However, Allah is The Most Wise. Allah is The Best Planner. Allah knows what comes before us and what comes after us. He knows what is best for us.

How can we be ever sure that our coveted thing will not destroy us? We do not have the knowledge of the unseen!

As a Born Again Muslimah, I have had to learn life from a fresh perspective. It is not always easy. I am still under construction. I am still like a spoiled brat sometimes, coveting something forgetting that it might not be good for me at all. Or Allah may have something even better in store for me.

I have witnessed that Allah does not deprive me. In one way or other, He gives me what I long for. And He does it in His own way and in His own time. And it feels super awesome to finally have something when I could not get it the first time! It teaches me never to lose hope!

As long as we live, we will never stop wanting things. Some of these things are absolutely necessary to have, like, food, clothes, a roof over our head. Other things may not be necessary for our survival, it is important for us to  have them so that we can grow as a person. Our desire is endless. Sometimes we do not get what we want. We must remember that there may be good in what is bad in our eyes and vice versa.

The secret to happiness and fulfillment lies in submission. Total faith in Allah can ease us during disappointing times. Allah loves us and to Allah belongs whatever is on Earth and in the heavens. Yet He does not need any of it. We are the ones who are constantly in need either in reality or psychologically. When we need something, all we have to do is ask Allah. And Allah responds to us when we call upon Him.

Need something but cannot get it?
Call upon him and never lose hope!

Learning

Bismillah

Have you ever thought about learning about learning? That’s exactly what I started to do yesterday. I have found a free MOOC offered by Coursera that teaches us how to learn about learning.

I am usually a quick learner. Yet I took this course. I felt an urgent need to learn how to learn.

The reason is depression.

Depression affects my learning abilities. I can no longer truthfully say I am a quick learner. Things have changed. Depression does something to your brains. Depression slows your brains down. Sometimes so much that it takes real effort to do everyday things. Learning something that involves intellect becomes an ordeal.

I refuse to give up. There is a reason Allah has blessed with me with this trial . Yes, my trial is my blessing. All the trials that we ever have are nothing but blessings. My trial keeps me humble. Depression makes me seek refuge in Allah because I know then for sure that there is no other refuge for me other than Him.

I am not complaining to you about my depression. It has made me a better person in many ways. Pain that brings me closer to Allah is better than joy that takes me away from Him. And depression is painful.

I do have some fears. The probability of losing the ability to learn quickly because of depression is one of my biggest fears. You see, I am a Born Again Muslimah. There is so much to learn about my deen. I need to learn so that I can teach. I want to be a holistic healer – the kind of healer that heals people physically, emotionally and spiritually. I have suffered silently for so long. Wouldn’t it be great to help those who suffer like me?

This is what motivates to take up the path of a healer. And for that I need to learn a lot. It is a brand new subject that I need to immerse in in order to be a good healer.

I don’t get tired of studying. I am a lifelong learner and studying is my passion. However, studying when I am down is second next to impossible now. I need to make up for the loss. This is why I am learning about learning.

I went through materials of only week 1. It has been an eye-opener. I realized that in my eagerness to learn as much as possible in as little time as possible, I was actually slowing down my learning process. Simple things like focusing on something for just 25 minutes and then taking a break can greatly boost our learning. Yet I used to be frustrated because I do not have the energy to study non-stop. I used to feel deprived when I slept too much. I learned that sleep deprivation can actually affect your learning.

I need to take a good look at my life. No matter how much I try, I cannot finish learning all the things that I am fascinated about. It is time to pick and choose. Perhaps what is worth learning most is life lessons.